I had never witnessed pure anger up close until I became a parent of a toddler. My kids, a little older now, weren’t the ones who throw big tantrams.But when they asked for it, they For real Screaming, sobbing, trembling all over — work.
Fortunately, each meltdown phase was short. I say “fortunately”. Because I didn’t do much to help curb their explosion. I was in a hurry with their anger and sometimes worried about who I was raising.
“Many of us were taught that anger is bad, showing that we are angry and expressing emotions is bad,” said a child and family psychologist, “Ultimate. Jazzmin McCoy, author of the Tantram Guide to the World, said.
But anger isn’t bad, Dr. McCoy said, and it doesn’t represent anything inherently dangerous and rude. Learning to manage anger is a lifelong skill that enables children to function at home, at school, and around the world without losing control. And it’s a skill that can help parents develop their children, whether they are babies or toddlers, by encouraging them to develop outlets and modeling powerful coping skills themselves.
Don’t be afraid of Tantram
When it comes to children and anger, it’s helpful to remember some simple facts. First, anger is a basic human emotion. And second, there are emotions that tell us about our relationship with ourselves, and with the School of the Childmind Institute, a clinical psychologist and a non-profit organization that provides treatment for children and families. Dave Anderson, vice president of the community program, explained. Emotions can help us answer basic questions: what do we want more? What do you want to stop?
Being aware that anger is an essential part of being human helps us to deal with a child who is compassionate and rampaging, not judgment. Yelling at you and the kid yelling at the world only makes the situation worse.
“Some emotions, like fear and anger, are really stressful,” Dr. Anderson said. I added that parents should appear to help their children handle those emotions in a healthy way. “The important thing is to ensure that the reaction to emotions does what is needed in school, family and social situations without actually getting in the way or allowing it to be done. Is difficult to build a positive relationship. “
Meltdowns and tantrams (a non-clinical term for the horrifying moments when a child becomes completely ferocious) can be a development of rites of passage, especially for children under the age of three who are still learning how to self-adjust. It is also helpful to remember.
It is not uncommon for infants and preschoolers to suffer from tantalum several times a week, said Dennis Shodolski, director of the evidence-based practice unit of the Children’s Research Center at Yale School of Medicine. He added that the average length of a toddler’s tantrum is about 3 minutes, but there is a wide range of time they can last — somewhere between 1 and 20 minutes.
“Tantram serves a developmental purpose,” said Dr. Sukhodolsky. “Children learn how to deal with independence, transition, and learning of social rules, and learn about situations where compliance is needed.”
Helping children develop emotional vocabulary
The phrase “name and tame”, coined by psychologist Dan Siegel, allows children to identify and label their feelings and talk about what they are experiencing. It is a mantra that is frequently repeated among children’s development professionals who believe in the importance of things. ..
Dr. McCoy recommends reading a simple board book with pictures of other children laughing, laughing, and frowning that babies tend to find “fascinating.” To do. Evidence shows that by the time the baby is only six months old, it can begin to identify the emotions of others.
Books can also be an effective tool for elementary school children. Look at the pictures and ask them what the character is feeling, or chat about the emotional meaning of a particular plot line and encourage them by explaining what you are looking at. The same applies to watching TV and movies with adolescents and teenagers.
For younger children, visual aids such as “mood meters” and “emotion thermometers” may be useful. This encourages the child to explain his feelings and evaluate his strength, whether he is calm and relaxed or angry.
Whatever strategy you ultimately develop, your goal is to help children develop the language they need to express their feelings. It is a skill that is built with time and practice and can help them feel heard and understood.
“It’s important to test your child’s emotions,” said Dr. Sukhodolsky — whether you’re at home 2 or 22 years old.
Tell them when you are angry
Parents may feel that their children need to be protected from their emotions, but opening their minds at moments of anger and frustration is educational. Explain to your child how you feel physically. Is your mind competing? Is your heart beating fast?
“It’s a very powerful experience to really take the time to slowly label how you know what’s happening in your body and how you feel what you’re feeling. “Dr. McCoy said. “And it’s 2 to 1, because when you’re doing this for your kids, you’re slowing yourself down.”
Be sure to take an important final step, she said: show how you deal with it.
You might say: “I’m going to take a little deep breath.” Or “I’m going to take a seat.” Or “I’m going to drink water,” Dr. McCoy said. “Whatever you need at the moment, speak out loud and help them understand what’s going on.”
Identify effective ways to deal with
Children also need to find their own ways to self-adjust and they may differ from yours. Helping your child find an exit (or multiple exits) for their anger may require experimentation. According to Dr. Anderson, some children will respond to simple deep breathing exercises.
Others may need a stronger physical release. On her website, Dr. McCoy suggests that children hit the play-doh, tear paper, build and knock down block towers. They may find it helpful to yell at the pillow, punch, or run around.
Ideally, you will learn to identify signs of frustration in your child and steer them towards their exit before reaching the boiling point. “You don’t have to wait until the situation explodes and encourages your child to use coping skills,” Dr. Anderson said. Experts say that when children are in a half-hearted state, it is almost impossible to modify their behavior.
“What I want to do instead is their frustration However I started escalating, “he said. Encourage them to experiment with coping strategies, as they practice managing great emotions before they become too intense.
Set clear boundaries around unsafe behavior
According to Dr. McCoy, children need to learn the distinction that all emotions, including anger, are okay, but not all actions are okay. Therefore, clear and consistent boundaries around aggressive or dangerous behavior are important.
And if your child often appears angry, or if they seem to have trouble adjusting their reaction, check in with their pediatrician or mental health provider. please.
Parents of toddlers and preschoolers need to track the duration and frequency of their child’s tantrum, and whether they occur in different situations, not only at home, but also at school, playground, or playground. need to do it. date.
“Adults say,’Oh, this’s preventing them from going to school,'” it’s preventing them from building friendships, “or” it’s hard for our family to get along. ” When we are, we are looking for something that may indicate the need for treatment, “Dr. Anderson said.
He added that behavioral disorders, a category that includes attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and mood disorders such as depression can often manifest as hypersensitivity. If your child is not neurotypical, talk to your pediatrician or therapist about alternative ways to deal with emotions.
Listen to your child’s feelings and open your heart
In the big picture, it’s important to make sure that your child has ample opportunity to discuss his feelings (anger, sadness, excitement, etc.) with trusted friends, family, and mental health providers.
It’s not always easy to hear your child struggling, but those conversations and connections are essential to verify what your child is experiencing and to provide emotional liberation.
“I would like to say that the best form of anger management is to feel understood,” Dr. McCoy said. “When we are angry, underneath we often feel frightened, misunderstood, and disconnected.”