If you’re a flower thief, be warned: Jeremy Clarkson guards his rare orchids with his life.
That may sound like a euphemism, sure, and we suppose it is, with the host of The Grand Tour revealing a bunch of flowers at his Diddly Squat Farm, with a name derived from the Greek word for testicle, being threatened.
In his final musings on life on land, Clarkson revealed his surprise at the discovery of green-winged orchids on his property, as well as his fear that they could soon be plucked from the earth by thieves, amid claims that “hobbyist ‘Orchid collectors are targeting farms. looking for rare flowers.
We recommend that you don’t write about having such a rare commodity on your farm, Clarkson, but it’s neither here nor there.
He wrote this week: ‘There are orchids on my farm. And some are very rare.
“I know this because when they were found by members of a local horticultural society, they were all running around with their jingles.
“I’m concerned that someone will steal them.”
According to Clarkson, writing in his Sunday Times column, ‘horticulturists and landowners have reported a spate of wildflower thefts in recent months’, with a rare lady’s slipper orchid ‘worth about £2,000 to the hobbyists’.
The star claimed that green-fingered thieves are also targeting bluebells, snowdrops and ferns, while Clarkson feared they would look at his wheat fields and see a payday.
But before that, his aforementioned green-winged orchids have made him nervous, and after discovering where their name comes from, he’s not about to let thieving gardeners steal his wares.
Clarkson wrote: ‘I got out for a look and, I must say, they were very uninteresting. But then it was pointed out to me that orchid is derived from the Greek word orchis. That means testicle.
‘And it is. I have green-winged testicles on my farm. And I’m going to make it my life’s work to take care of them.”
You heard the man.
The former Top Gear presenter has been sitting on his farmer’s soapbox lately, sending numerous messages to Prime Minister Boris Johnson, most recently demanding that farmers don’t have to jump through a million hoops to grow food.
After the prime minister responded last week to Clarkson’s call for the government to prioritize agriculture, the host again contacted the leader asking for a ‘don’t be an asshole’ rule so that he can easily continue producing crops.
Clarkson has also previously criticized the “not very smart people” who work in planning departments that prevented him from making changes to his property.
Between bureaucracy and flower pegs it is a hard life as a farmer.
MORE : Frustrated Jeremy Clarkson pleads for fresh farming to Boris Johnson: ‘Stop tolerating arseishness’
MORE: Jeremy Clarkson urges Parliament to prioritize agriculture – and Boris Johnson prepares a response
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