Disenfranchised Grief: Why Grieving an Alienated Relationship Is Valid?

Grief is never easy, but there are losses that are harder for others to understand.

Alienation is its own kind of loss and feeling sadness about it is perfectly legitimate and normal.

But for many, that loss is not easy to quantify because it was not caused by death.

What happens if, by the standards of wider society, your grief is not considered viable?

This is what is typically known as ‘disenfranchised grief’.

Unfortunately, alienation is often judged and misunderstood, and unsolicited advice and opinions abound.

Billie cites examples such as:

• “Why don’t you just try to make it work?”
• “You only have one (insert family member here); don’t you feel bad?’
• “You’ll regret this when they get old.”
• “If you’re sad about them, why did you block them?”

Indeed, a major problem with disenfranchised grief is the lack of understanding you can get from others when you try to share your loss with them.

“This is where the disenfranchisement takes place,” says Noel.

“It’s not that we don’t feel the loss, it’s that we are cut off from (or have no right to) legitimate forms of expressing our grief – for example, by attending the funeral, or by automatically making others understand that we mourn and support us, or by giving ourselves permission to feel the loss.”

When it comes to alienation, it’s important to remind ourselves that it’s okay to grieve over the loss of someone who hurt you.

“The truth is, alienation is a living loss,” explains Billie. “Regardless of the quality of the relationship, the loss can be significant if we detach from the immediate family.”

She adds, “The grief often includes wishing and longing for things to be different and finding it difficult to accept the reality of the family dynamic.

“We need to understand that grief isn’t a sign that we’re colluding or even forgiving someone who has wronged us, but it’s a sign that we’re fully human,” says Noel.

“Our grief expresses our individual humanity, not what we think of the person. At that point we can make ourselves feel and then heal. This is true regardless of who initiated the alienation.

‘Sadness is seen, anthropologically and historically, as the indicator of the beginning of true human experience. In anthropology, the beginnings of human culture are often associated with rituals and practices to decorate the graves of lost loved ones.

“So while we may not be entitled to today’s standards of public grief in a given situation, we are not stripped of our humanity and can create meaningful ways to acknowledge our loss.”

How to deal with grief over an estrangement?

Find acceptance and support

Billie suggests three things; you need to find a place where the complexity of your grief is understood, seek support from others who have been through something similar, and remind yourself that you are worth the time and space to grieve.

“Living grief comes in waves,” she says. “Sometimes people can feel great and sometimes it throws them off balance and they need support.

“It’s not an easy process to make peace or come to a place of acceptance of who your family is. Therapy provides an experience where someone walks beside you while you work things out. It doesn’t have to be another thing you have to do alone.

‘Find other people who have similar experiences. Online support groups and forums can be a good place to start. Also, if you think you’re honest about your situation, you may know people who are living with the same problems. Sharing deepens his feelings of belonging, making us feel less alone.

“And give yourself permission to grieve — the kind of compensation and understanding people get when someone dies may be what you need sometimes — things like leaving a social event early, spending time alone, and taking mental health days off work.

“If there are certain dates that are difficult for you, think about how you can support yourself around them by offering yourself compassion and lots of self-care.”

honor your feelings

Noel says many people find ways to honor their feelings through rituals, describing them as “the container of those feelings that occur when we lose meaning.”

“Religion provides this for many people and if you are religious you can access it to give meaning to your loss,” he adds.

“For those who are not religious, there are methods that are used in therapy – for example, writing a letter to the person you have lost, reading it to your therapist or someone else you trust to share your feelings and then writing the letter.” keep it, or leave it ritually, for example, it goes through fire.

“We can create personal and private rituals that we repeat at anniversaries related to the lost relationship. Is there a song, event, or place associated with the relationship with which you may enter a period of mourning on a regular basis?

“Remember, what honors you in this is your own ability to feel pain — that’s your own ability to feel love, and that’s important for you to celebrate.”