Welcome again to The Sex Column – our weekly series in which experts guide daters through the turbulent waters of love† sexand proportions†
Last time we helped a woman who struggled to trust her new partner after discovering that he may have cheated on his ex†
This week we’re chatting with someone who thinks their partner doesn’t find him attractive anymore.
But before we dive in, let me introduce myself. I am the new subway Sex Column expert, Laura Collins.
Working for the Metro feels like a privilege and I am very happy to have this opportunity to help you, the Metro readers. I trained as a counselor over 20 years ago and have been working for the pain column of a national newspaper ever since.
I will not be alone in offering my thoughts; I will be supported by the three wonderful experts who are already regulars of this column: counselor and therapist Rupert Smith, clinical psychologist Dr. Angharad Rudkin, and author and broadcaster James McConnachie.
In my personal life I have been through many of life’s downs – just to name a few, divorce, bereavement and cancer – as well as dealing with endless distressing situations among my friends and family.
But I’m a glass half-full person – I always work on the assumption that there must be a better way, it’s just a matter of finding it. I really hope you trust me and the experts with your problems, no matter how big or small, and we’ll do our best to help you navigate the pain.
The problem:
“I really hate myself for not turning on my boyfriend.
†We’ve been together for almost ten years now and the first three years we couldn’t get enough of each other.
†But since we moved into our own flat, our sex life has shrunk to zero.
†When I make the first move, he says he’s too tired; when I open the wine so we’re both a little more relaxed, he pretends he’s too drunk to perform.
†Recently I invested in sexy underwear, but when I tried to seduce him, he just laughed and said I looked ridiculous. I felt so unattractive, I wanted to cry.
†And yet, apart from the physical side, we have a good relationship. He is nice, helpful and we see the world from the same point of view.
†I am now 30 and longing for a childd but I can’t bring myself to leave him because our relationship seems so good in other ways.”
What the expert says:
Please don’t hate yourself for trying different ways to interest your boyfriend in sex – it’s almost certainly no problem with you that caused him to lose his sexual appetite.
When men lose their sex drive, it is often a symptom of a deeper problem and can even be linked to depression or other health problems.
Does he have work or debt worries that you know nothing about?
You say everything was fine until you moved in together, and the two could be linked if he secretly worries about paying the rent or mortgage.
Men often value their sexual prowess, so it’s critical to find out what’s behind his apparent indifference.
Healthy communication is the key. Try to get him to open up without appearing to be complaining – although it’s important to be honest about how you feel too.
Meanwhile, a general health check with his primary care physician may help. Couples therapy or sex therapy (which will be available locally – just search the internet or ask your GP for a referral) are other avenues you may want to explore.
Finally, it’s unlikely, but maybe he even doubts his sexuality or has discovered that he is asexual†
Don’t give up yet, but if the problem can’t be solved, and you’ve tried everything, you should ask yourself if there is a future in this relationship.
As sweet as he is in many ways, you deserve better – and if you really want kids, maybe you should move on.
Do you have a sex and dating dilemma?
Send your problem for expert advice to: [email protected]
For more content about sex and relationships join Jackie Adedeji and Miranda Kane for our weekly sex positive podcast: Smut Drop† It’s a whole new world of expertise where no subject is off limits.
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