It’s been about 10 years since her daughter Anagrace was shot dead with 19 other children and 6 staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School in New Town, Connecticut. If you’re looking for a family “tragedy to victory” story, I can’t give it to you because I think so many.
Ana Grace Márquez-Greene, 6 years old, was killed in the classroom by a shooter rampage in her first year. She didn’t know her loveless day until December 14, 2012. Or a day of horror. She was the glue that connected our family.
Recent mass shootings are so frequent that most, if any, news cycles are reported in large numbers. Americans save some despair for Yuvalde and Buffalo shootings, but shootings that aren’t highlighted in breaking news make little even our radar. Our society is not tied to have so much trauma.
Families like me are grateful to gun safety activists and survivors who haven’t given up for 10 years since Sandy Hook. We support the gradual change of parliament and celebrate the victory of the legislature. However, in the same week that President Biden signed the first major gun safety law passed by Congress for nearly 30 years, the Supreme Court resolved to expand gun rights. How many more people will die while waiting for the next step?
It’s only natural that the United States sends only thoughts and prayers to families who have been hit by gun violence. When Anna Grace was murdered, I received dozens of blonde angels labeled “Anna” from a white Christian woman. Some even said she died because we removed God from the classroom. But even the church is hurt by gun violence.
We often try to scrutinize all those who have suffered catastrophic losses together. As a society, we have the right to assess and compare courage, to subtly normalize the brutality of post-tragedy decisions, or to arm our post-tragedy response by adding guilt and shame. Is not …
When my daughter died, it took days to decide which family’s photos and videos to publish. We finally shared a video at home where the boy and daughter played “Come, Thou Almighty King”. With perfect pitch and style, my brother Isaiah sang while playing the piano. It was a small glimpse of what we lost and the immeasurable absence we deal with every day. This innocent moment we shared with the world was later posted on YouTube without our consent, and strangers earned advertising revenue from our despair. This is just one of many examples of how our pain has been abused by others for personal gain.
After the shooting of Yuvarde, my inbox was flooded with requests from allies and supporters for autopsy photos of my daughter. What did they think the photo could do if the truth of the tragedy had not yet been told? When I saw the Capitol attacked on January 6th, the same lawmakers who met the slimy rebuke really were somehow impressed by the images of my murdered child and other parents. Are you expecting it?
Americans want a healthier and safer world, but we don’t protect the injured. We do not protect those who work to keep us safe during a pandemic. We do not value survival. I want to be shocked. But I’m not ashamed of the legislators and used as bait to do the right thing. I do not disgrace my family or ask others to do so so that you can sleep at night. I don’t allow you to choke me under your version of the superhero. Ask more members and reduce the number of sad members.
Fighting gun violence requires two teams. One is for all the changes that need to occur and the other is for the immediate and long-term comfort and support of the survivors. Sometimes they are on the same team, but sometimes they aren’t.
If you’re good at rallying at the Capitol or organizing voters, do so. This is also important if you can check in directly with your family or on a regular basis with your family. Both are essential. We need an action team and a care team because our goal is to ultimately change the law.
I need formulas and checkboxes to help those who are in mourning. However, survivors need help and support for the first two weeks or the first year or more. We need you to stick. And listen. I know that appearing for the injured may not be enough. But I promise you, that’s the most important thing.
There is no wedding, graduation, or another birthday with Ana Grace. Instead, we turned all our love to her funeral. Her casket was driven by horses and carriages and we played music at her service. Almost 10 years later, her husband and I raised Isaiah and are always fighting for moments of normality and joy in the sadness that is there. We have a school, we have scholarships, and we have been staying for a long time.
The demands on survivors to sacrifice their privacy and life are misguided and ultimately only help weaken the gun safety movement. The problem with our guns is not solved by images of dead children. Look down at you and work without asking me for blood anymore.
Nerva Marquez-Green (@Nelba_MG) Is the founder of the Anagrace Project and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her little child, Anna Grace, was shot dead at Sandy Hook Elementary School.