An ode to .. Luxon, the lady’s man

First published July 3, 2022
Updated 33 minutes ago

Victor Billot

Victor Billot is a writer from Dunedin. He is the author of the collection of poetry The Sets (Otago University Press, 2020) and writes a weekly satirical Ode for Newsroom every Sunday.

Show more

Read Room

The Bard on Baron Luxon

The Prophet in Gilead

Prophet Luxon walked on the banks of Gilead.
There were great works on the land;
and his flock quarreled among themselves.
The Prophet speaks to the villagers.
Behold, said the prophet, I am pro-life.
And the villagers cheered and burned
another sacrifice to their stern God.
But then the Prophet speaks
to the ladies of Babylon.
Look, says the Baron, I’m pro-choice.
And the ladies were amazed
because of the difficult lessons this prophet learned.
How is this possible, they say to each other.
So the high priests of the press stamp
studied the words of the Prophet.
And after many nights weighing his proverbs
they said to the curious onlookers:
this prophet is really all to all people;
he gives and he takes,
he is both fish and fowl.
But the Prophet’s disciples were unruly
and did not follow his teachings;
for the sign of true faith in a disciple
is not to hurt his leader.
Disciple Simon of Tamaki
the temple walls mounted
and laughed and thrashed;
and he mocks the ladies of Babylon
and called ya boo! Sux to be you!
Back to the kitchen, girls!
So there was a lot of whining and grinding
of teeth; and Prophet Luxon offered
candid lessons to disciple Simon.
People don’t look for the hornet’s nest
to beat it with a stick,
he advised: learn the way of the Lord.
And that way is to say this,
and says the other;
until finally no one knows what is what
and all hear what they want to hear.
And then, said the Prophet,
if we have thoroughly messed everything up,
we will hand Gilead over to our stern God.

Victor Billot felt rather moved to compose Odes for such greats as the Prime Minister, Louise Wallace, Mike Hosking, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki and Garrick Tremain.