There is a little known fact that the minister of Brexit Government opportunity and efficiency comes from generations of Rees-Moggs who, across continents and through the ages, have argued vigorously that everything is going according to plan.
Here are just some of their history successes…
AD64: The Great Fire of Rome
In a keynote speech, Jacobus Moggus, Emperor Nero’s Minister for Fire Capabilities, states that critics of the Emperor “if I may say so, are all hopelessly wrong.”
Moggus goes on to say that ‘mild fires like this happen from time to time, and anyone with a reasonable knowledge of history will know that they present great opportunities for regeneration’.
“May I add that Emperor Nero is a man of unparalleled integrity. He also holds the credit of being a top-notch musician. It was typically generous of him to play the violin for us while Rome was on fire. Doesn’t that show you’re a great man, always willing to entertain others less fortunate than himself?’
“In a keynote speech, Jacobus Moggus states that critics of Emperor Nero are ‘if I may say so, they are all hopelessly wrong'” (Pictured: Christopher Biggins as Nero in 1976 TV series ‘I, Claudius’)
1346-1353: The Black Death
Government spokesman Jack Real-Morgue said that up to 200 million deaths from the bubonic plague in Africa, Europe and Asia “is roughly in line with government goals, and that’s something we can be proud of.”
He says, “While these deaths are undoubtedly shocking to those who have suffered them, they offer a very real opportunity for economic growth.”
He adds that as a direct result of the Black Death, the price of porridge has dropped. “And that’s a huge advantage for lower-income families. Let’s talk about the things that matter to ordinary people.’
1854: Charge of the Light Brigade
Lieutenant General Jacob Mogg-Rees-Mogg, 3rd Earl of Mogg, questioned after the event, pronounced the Charge of the Light Brigade ‘a spectacular victory for British sanity’.
When asked if it was one of the most devastating military actions of all time, he laughs. “I am sorry to say that your question reveals a lack of strategic know-how. With the cannon to their right and the cannon to their left, it was the perfect time to charge.’
But what about Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s opinion that “someone had made a blunder”?
Mogg-Rees-Mogg describes this as “a characteristically feeble attempt at berating Her Majesty’s brave soldiers by someone who really should know better.”
He adds that thanks to what he calls “this tremendous victory in what will henceforth be called the “Valley of Life” the price of bread has fallen by half a penny per loaf, which, if I may say so. , is in line with government objectives’
1912: Sinking of RMS Titanic
“Nobody denies that RMS Titanic has sunk,” said White Star Line spokesman Jay Cobry-Smogg. ‘But it was, if I may say so, quite in accordance with our plans for the ship. Rather than send him left, right or straight, we decided to go for the more imaginative downward option – a bold strategy that we executed, if I may say so, to perfection.”
When asked whether he regrets the loss of some 1,500 lives, Mr. Cobry-Smogg replies, “It’s easy to say in hindsight. But let’s talk about the hundreds of people who made it to America and will remember that journey for the rest of their lives.”
Cobry-Smogg adds that he would rather focus on all the icebergs “without whom this project would not have been possible.” It’s high time we celebrate their patriotism, strength and resilience as we go further and further.”
1960: Tragedy at Bates Motel
Spokesman Jake Obrys M. Ogg speaks of what he describes as “the unfortunate incident” at Bates Motel and says he was not aware of any “specific allegations” against the hotelier, Mr Norman Bates.
He added that he “wants to make it absolutely clear that there is no room within the staff at this motel for someone to stab people in their showers.” †
But our customers want us to focus on what really matters – and that’s how we can deliver the kind of top-quality shower curtains they really deserve.”