At my school there was a gap: those of us who were allowed to watch Grange Hill and those who weren’t. Some parents (luckily not mine) believed that exposure to Tucker Jenkins would make their offspring feral. Where are those kids now, huh? Okay, I know one of them is a real nuclear physicist. But perhaps the rest are heroin addicts, who have never seen the terrible fate that befell Zammo McGuire.
God knows what those parents would have made of Ackley Bridge (Channel 4), that’s Grange Hill for the TikTok generation. Popping up in a full face of makeup like Kim Kardashiangetting arrested for theft… and that’s just the teachers.
The students are busy losing their virginity, signing up to post selfies on a site called AdultFanz, and taking out their smartphones in class to vote in an online “Fit or not?” poll of their female classmates.
This all sounds vaguely terrifying, but try not to be alarmed. Ackley Bridge is a Hollyoaks-style soap that tackles all these issues with a light touch – and if you think teens aren’t familiar with this stuff, then you don’t speak to many teens.
The teachers are comedic characters, including the headmaster (Robert James-Collier of Downton Abbey) and student aide Mrs Paracha (Sunetra Sarker). Both actors are soap veterans, and it shows. Sarker is very funny, horrified that he has to lead a conversation about sex education. When a student asks if it’s okay to watch porn, she sputters, “Never! Drink a glass of water and watch ‘The Blue Peter’ instead.”