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An ongoing argument my husband and I have – which has become more controversial during the pandemic – is about how many friends we should have.
We both have one or two close friends and siblings that we enjoy spending time with. Plus, we’re busy raising two young boys who consume most of our energy. As a textbook introvert, this feels like a lot of friends to me. Exaggerated even. But my husband is an extrovert who comes alive around other people. As we slowly emerge from the pandemic, I can feel him longing for more.
He is not alone. For years, friendship in America has been on the wane, a trend that accelerated during the pandemic. three decades ago, 3 percent of Americans told Gallup pollsters they had no close friends; in 2021, an online poll estimated it at 12 percent. About a year into the pandemic13 percent of women and 8 percent of men ages 30 to 49 said they had lost touch with most of their friends.
All this has health implications. Friendship can be an important factor in well-being, while loneliness and social isolation — distinct but related conditions — may be associated with an increased risk for conditions such as depression and anxiety or heart disease and stroke. A oft-cited 2010 meta-analysis led by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University in Utah, concluded that loneliness is just as damaging to physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
“It’s a natural question,” said Dr. Holt-Lunstad on the “ideal” number of friends. “Just as we have guidelines and recommendations for the amount of sleep we get and how physically active we are, this is relevant to health.”
While she and other friendship researchers admit there aren’t many studies that have specifically addressed the question of how many friends people should aim for, the ones that have been done offer a range — and anywhere from three to six close friends may be the sweet spot.
What does the research say?
If your goal is simply to reduce the damaging impact loneliness can have on your health, the most important thing is that you have at least one important person in your life – be that a partner, a parent, a friend or someone else. said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication sciences at the University of Kansas.
“Going from zero to one is where we get the most bang for the buck, so to speak,” said Dr. hello. “But if you want to have the most meaningful life, a life where you feel connected and connected to others, more friends are better.”
The best-known theory of how many friends people can (though not necessarily should) have comes from British psychologist and anthropologist Robin Dunbar. What has become known as Dunbar’s number states that humans are only cognitively able to maintain about 150 connections at a time (follow-up research increased the number). That includes an inner circle of about five good friendsfollowed by larger concentric circles of more informal types of friends.
Other estimates are in a similar range. A 2016 study suggested that people who have six or more friends have better health throughout their lives, while a 2020 study by Suzanne Degges-White, professor and chair of the Department of Counseling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University, found that middle-aged women those who had three or more friends tended to have higher levels of overall life satisfaction.
Those estimates seem to match people’s sense of how many friends they should photograph. dr. Degges-White recently conducted a survey of 297 adults, which has not been published or subjected to peer review, but found that 55 percent of participants thought two to three close friends were ideal, while 31 percent thought four to six was the goal. used to be.
But all of this can be challenging to study because friendship and intimacy are subjective, and there’s no commonly used scale that researchers share to define those concepts in different studies. Proximity can be particularly gentle. dr. Degges-White said it is, to some extent, a case of, “In your heart you know the difference.”
It is also unclear how social media plays a part in this, such as: research suggests: the size of a person’s online network may not have a meaningful impact on their perceived well-being. While many friendships have faded during the pandemic, many people have found connection online.
How do you know if you need more friends?
While friendship research offers some yardsticks, for most of us it can be more helpful to just do a little soul-searching. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and author of the forthcoming book “Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends,” recommends starting with a pretty obvious yet powerful question: Do I feel lonely?
“Loneliness is a kind of signal or alarm system,” said Dr. Franco. Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but this is a deeper question of whether you regularly feel left out or isolated. A recent survey suggested: that about one in three Americans has experienced “severe loneliness” during the pandemic.
It also helps to ask yourself if there are parts of your identity that feel limited, said Dr. Franco.
“Different people bring out different parts of us. So if you have a bigger group of friends, you can experience this side of yourself that likes golf, and this side of yourself that likes cars, and this side of yourself that likes flowers,” she said. “If you feel like your identity has shrunk a bit, or you don’t feel quite yourself, that could indicate that you need different kinds of friends,” she added.
Of course, making friends in adulthood isn’t always easy. Research shows people struggle with it because they find it difficult to trust new people and because they simply run out of time. For those reasons, it’s often easier to start reviving old relationships that have failed, said Dr. Franco. Take the initiative and don’t assume friendships will come naturally, she said. But be sensible. Spending time with friends you’re ambivalent about — because they’re unreliable, critical, competitive, or one of the many reasons people get under our skin — can be bad for your health†
The amount of time you actually spend with your friends also matters. Research by Dr. Hall suggests that very close friendships tend to go around on average 200 hours develop. Quantity and quality go hand in hand.
For a tired introvert like me, the effort it takes just sounds exhausting. Fortunately, Dr. Hall admits that finding three to six friends “isn’t a magic number for everyone.” “Your personality and the characteristics of your life will make a difference,” he said.
So maybe my husband is right – if I’m no longer consumed with pandemic fatigue and child-rearing, I could be kicking myself for not doing more to build a solid group of friends. But I have time to put my numbers up.
Audio produced by Kate Winslett†