I have a dress that gets compliments almost every time I wear it. Of course I can thank you because it would be rude not to, but my standard follow up is to explain that it is a luxury brand but I bought it on eBay.
I suppose it’s a step beyond the ‘oh, this old thing’ cliché, but I wonder why I feel the need to tell a complete stranger that I’m not really successful and wealthy enough to be a chic dress to pay .
Like so many people, especially women, I tend to turn down a compliment, make fun of it, or point out a flaw in the thing being praised.
Often I have some kind of involuntary reflex that makes me immediately bounce the compliment back. They like my dress? Well, I like theirs too, I say, which no doubt sounds forced and inauthentic.
Receiving compliments, as well as giving them, can have a positive impact on mental health, says psychologist and cognitive behavioral psychotherapist Kasia Szymanska.
“Being able to accept a compliment at face value can boost your confidence and self-esteem, and a positive response from the recipient can also make the giver feel better,” she tells Metro.co.uk. “It really is a win-win situation.”
So why do many of us find it difficult to take advantage of this and accept a compliment with grace? And how can we get better at it?
Why do compliments make us cringe?
For some of us it’s a matter of self-esteem, psychotherapist, counselor and life coach Hilda Burke tells Metro.co.uk: ‘We can struggle to receive a compliment because it conflicts with our own image of ourselves.
‘Our self-image is formed at the age of seven. If you were the fat kid who got laughed at at school, it would be shocking if someone said you look beautiful because inside you’re still that kid.’
Growing up with a lack of praise and positive reinforcement means we don’t learn how to respond to it.
‘Your reaction is immediate: ‘This is impossible to calculate, it is not who I am, so I have to deflect it,’ says Hilda. You may also have a suspicion that the person doesn’t really mean what they say.
It can also be about the values and behaviors that have been modeled for us.
Hilda notes, “It’s often instilled in us that it’s bad to appear stubborn, and it’s polite to refute a compliment, so we struggle because we’ve never been shown how to appreciate them and let them in.”
This can be a big factor if you grew up in a culture that values humility. Social anxiety can also make the problem worse.
Compliments often overwhelm us, so it’s easy to keep our mouths shut because we just don’t know what to say.
The more you do this, the more you reinforce negative beliefs about yourself and don’t take in the positive ones, Hilda warns. It also denies the opinion of the other.
“Saying something nice to someone and then having them throw it back in your face isn’t great,” she notes. “When you decline a compliment, you lean on that person for more reassurance. They give you a present and you ask for more.’
Is difficulty accepting compliments a feminine trait?
It seems that women are often worse at receiving compliments than men. One study found that nearly half of women overall, and seven in 10 younger women, find compliments embarrassing, while two-thirds of men enjoyed receiving them.
‘In female groups, there is a lot of attachment to self-mockery and mutual reassurance, while men tend to bond over ridges,’ says Hilda. ‘Recently I was with some male friends and one said to the other, ‘Those shorts! Why not take a bigger size?” Imagine a friend saying that.’
Women’s tendency to reject compliments is brilliantly satirized in an Amy Schumer sketch. It features a group of women who all exchange compliments and reject them, when another comes over and simply responds with a thank you when her coat is admired. Cue a shocked silence, followed by a violent group implosion.
Top Tips for Accepting Compliments Gracefully
So, what advice do the experts have to help us respond positively?
Take a moment
Changing this behavior requires a conscious effort, Kasia says.
“Don’t try to respond automatically,” she suggests. “Take a deep breath before you speak so you don’t just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.”
Just say thank you
All it really takes is a sincere thank you and a smile, although this may feel awkward at first.
“Take the compliment at first sight and remind yourself that accepting it isn’t arrogant,” adds Kasia.
Avoid compliment ping pong
“Most of us can tell an inauthentic compliment from a real compliment,” says Hilda.
“It’s fine if you can return a genuine compliment, but if you don’t really have anything to say, then don’t.”
Think about it
Spend some time thinking about the feeling of the compliment, Kasia advises. This can give you more insight into why you react negatively.
It is also important to enjoy the positive feelings that come from it, as this helps to bring them out. Write it in your gratitude journal, if you have one.
Give and receive
Research suggests that we often underestimate the positive effects complimenting someone can have.
“Expressing what’s inside of us is always good for our mental health, so make a comment about something you like or a behavior you admire,” says Hilda.
Specific comments, such as saying you like someone to put humor in their speech, or how their outfit enhances their eye color, makes them more sincere and meaningful.
I tried to accept compliments – that’s how it worked
So, does it work for me? I stop at the supermarket in the ‘compliment dress’ and the cashier does indeed admire it.
“Oh, thank you,” I say, hopefully genuinely happy. “It’s my favorite dress.”
I manage to resist the urge to immediately compliment her on her outfit, which is just as good as she wears her work in general.
Later, I think about if someone thinks I have good taste and chose something that suits me. It’s a start.
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