This week we hear from a woman who wonders if she ever really knew her boyfriend, after finding him in bed with a male friend.
Despite hearing “sex noises” before entering the room, her significant other says he is not gay. Does it matter? Has the trust been broken in any way?
Check out before you go Last week’s dilemmawhere a woman hired a private investigator to spy on her cheating husband…
The problem
I recently found out that my live-in boyfriend of three years has a secret gay side when I caught him in bed with another man.
Ever since I’ve known him, a certain friend has been hanging out with us. This friend never seems to have a woman in his life and even though I’ve tried to fix him up, it never ends well. He always seemed happy to be the third wheel, and I’ve gotten used to having him around.
He stays with us regularly, especially when I’m not there. But last weekend, the friend I was supposed to be staying with felt sick, and I finally got home. I tried to call my friend to tell him what happened, but he didn’t answer his phone.
To my horror, I came home to the sound of “sex noises” coming from our bedroom. I flew up the stairs and threw open the door, expecting to find my boyfriend with another woman. Instead, I found him and his mate in bed together.
They were mortified and my friend tried to tell me it was a drunkenness. I struggle to accept that as I know how close they have been for years but he desperately wants me to believe him and forgive this ‘one’ crazy moment. He swore to me that he’s not really gay.
I don’t want to throw everything away by kicking him out, but at the same time I’m going crazy thinking he’s not who I thought he was.
Laura says…
As your instinct tells you, this probably wasn’t a one-off. If your boyfriend has homosexual feelings, then no matter how much he says he’s never done it before, or promises not to do it again, it’s very unlikely that he’ll be able to give up gay affairs for the rest of his life . If you’ve been happy together so far, he’s almost certainly bisexual.
Don’t blame yourself or see it as a reflection of your desirability. If your boyfriend has the potential to enjoy sex with both men and women, that’s part of his nature he can’t change. But be wary of any idea you might share with him; assuming you wouldn’t share it with another woman, don’t agree to share it with a man.
If you don’t believe his excuses, a split may be the best way forward.
This was a shock, but you’ve had a great relationship so far and the things that attracted you at first are still part of who your boyfriend is. Breakups are painful, but keep the lines of communication open. If you eventually come to terms with what happened, you might discover that your loved one could become one of your best friends.
Three years is a lot to throw away and talking about it with a counselor can help.
Laura Collins is a consultant and columnist.
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