‘I heard he cheated on his ex – now I don’t know if I can trust him’

It’s time for our weekly Sex Column, our regular series where experts advise struggling daters on how to navigate the sticky world of romance.

Last week we helped someone who felt they were chasing their partners away after being dumped – twice†

This week we’re talking about trust. Can they entrust their new partner with an interesting to date history? It’s a tough dilemma to crack.

Let’s see if this is a problem our dater can solve….

The problem:

“I recently got divorced from my ex and I was ready to be single because he had become quite clingy, but a few weeks into my new life I met a guy through friends and we’ve been dating ever since.

“I feel relaxed with him and I was excited about our future, but then a friend told me he cheated on his ex, which was a blow.

†I gently asked him about it and he said that nothing physical had happened but that he got a colleague while his last relationship ended and he just loved the attention.

†He says he’s reliable, but I don’t know what to think.†

What the experts say:

They say love is blind, but love – or at least an emotional or physical connection – is also a fantasy.

“We see what we want to see in a person and we see what we want ourselves,” says James McConnachie. “We create a mirage that reflects the version of ourselves we want to become.”

He says he can be trusted. But is your friend reliable?

“She could be wrong, of course, but unless there’s a hidden agenda, or she’s jealous or a drama queen, she has no reason to lie,” he continues. “Most friends would be in pain before calling like that, so how did she like telling you? Was she excited or miserable?’

You say it felt like a blow and that’s no wonder. You were looking for a quiet life of self-gratification and you are already trapped in another world of intense feelings.

“You jumped from the emotional frying pan into the fire,” says Dr Angharad Rudkin. “Obviously he means a lot to you and that will be in large part due to the fact that he’s a rebound relationship. No matter how well prepared you were for your breakup, it must have been a shock to the system to be single again.”

You handled this current situation well and although it was open and non-defensive, you are clearly still restless.

‘Trust seems to be an issue for you,’ says Rupert Smith. “You also dismissed your ex-partner as clingy, as if his emotional needs were something that could not be tolerated, indicating a confused attitude towards intimacy.”

We recommend that you take some time to reflect on your past relationships and, from an observer’s point of view, consider whether this push-pull ambivalence is a pattern. “You may be projecting the expectations of betrayal and disappointment you experienced in your childhood onto this new relationship,” Smith adds.

While you pause to reflect on your past, Rudkin suggests that you slow down the relationship a bit. ‘As a result, you also build a safe foundation together,’ she says.

Someone who has made a mistake in the past can still be a great partner, but someone who lies should of course be treated with caution. Some time and space to reconnect with yourself will help you feel whether he is genuine or not.

The experts:

Rupert Smith is an author and consultant

James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist

Do you have a sex and dating dilemma?

Send your problem for expert advice to: [email protected]

For more content about sex and relationships join Jackie Adedeji and Miranda Kane for our weekly sex positive podcast: Smut Drop† It’s a whole new world of expertise where no subject is off limits.

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