ONE WOMAN has shared how she believed she had failed as a mother when one of her twin boys was born without an eye socket, nostril or left ear.
Rather than call it the happiest day of her life, Charlie Beswick described the day her sons were born as “the hardest.”
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The doting mother was consumed with guilt after doctors broke the news that one of her boys had been born with a rare facial defect.
Charlie, of North Staffs, recalled giving birth at 32 weeks before being forced to have an emergency C-section.
She was told that one of the twins was breech and was rushed to the operating room to deliver the toddlers.
But four hours later, her world came crashing down as she had only just begun to bask in the bliss of motherhood.
Doctors told her that while little Oliver was fine, his twin Harry – now both 17 – had been diagnosed with Goldenhar syndrome.
The complex condition, which is present at birth, usually hinders the development of the eye, ear and spine.
And it meant that her sweet boy was born with no left eye, eye socket, nostril, left ear, a short underdeveloped jaw – besides a damning diagnosis.
Doctors warned the new mom that her baby could have brain damage and never walk, as Charlie blamed himself.
She told the Mirror: “I felt like I was underwater. So it was like I could hear it, but it was distorted, only later I could process it.
“I think it was just the sheer shock, it was horrible. Also having my boys was the hardest day of my life, and one of the most traumatic.
“Later, my then-fiance said I just kept repeating, ‘I’m sorry,’ I was completely shut out. I immediately thought it was something I had done.
“But I was so desperate for a reason and an answer – and in that I turned against myself. I was incredibly hateful to myself.”
The twins remained in special care for five weeks while Charlie was discharged after seven days, leaving her feeling helpless.
She resorted to “pumping milk like a maniac” in an attempt to feel like she was doing something for her boys.
And instead of running after two newborn babies, she kept nagging her thoughts and her traumatic delivery.
Charlie came to believe that her then-partner was blaming her for their baby’s health problems and told herself she was a “terrible mother.”
She continued: “I went through the motions with the professionals nodding and smiling in a kind of mist.
“Now I call it ‘the lie we carry’ – the big smile we put on our faces when someone says ‘if anyone can do it, you can do it’.”
The parents were then told Harry could walk but had to “hold their breath” while he underwent further tests.
Their miracle baby was later diagnosed with autism, forcing the couple to reevaluate their expectations of parenthood.
Charlie explained: “It was a huge battle with myself, it was just my failure not to realize how beautiful the twins are.
“Although I could only see my failure, it wasn’t correct. I don’t want that for other moms, I want them to be confident and calm.”
The toll of the guilt and grief she harbored eventually took its toll on her marriage, forcing her to separate from her partner.
She even had to give up her full-time teaching job to prioritize a full-time caregiver before she became severely depressed.
Charlie’s concerned mother finally convinced her to see a doctor in 2010, where she was prescribed antidepressants.
She considers this move the “turning point” in her life, as she realized she had no reason to feel guilty about Harry’s condition.
The mother of two was then inspired to become a mentor to mothers of disabled children, giving her advice and a shoulder to cry on.
She has launched a social media community that offers support after overcoming her experience.
Harry is now a happy and healthy 17-year-old despite his health problems and Charlie considers her sons to be her ‘greatest achievement in life’.