On June 30, 2019, I opened my hotel room door and voluntarily let in a man who then raped me.
As a journalist, I was on a work trip to New York for World Pride and had partied in Manhattan earlier in the day.
The atmosphere was euphoric. There were thousands of us celebrating 50 years since the gay liberation movement started at the Stonewall Riots and I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to be a part of the celebration.
The cosmos flowed, Britney pumped and I had the time of my life.
While enjoying the procession, I had also emailed a guy on Grindr. I invited him to my Downtown room in the afternoon during a scheduled break from the festivities.
While we were messaging, I told him I didn’t want anal sex, but I was in for oral and kissing. I made that crystal clear.
I had never felt comfortable having full-blown penetrative sex with someone I met on Grindr, so it was typical for me to set this boundary before meeting someone.
He came to my hotel room at about 4pm and we started kissing. Before I knew it we were both naked on the bed.
Suddenly he started coming in to me. I told him to stop. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a condom and told him to stop again.
I continued. I tried to push him off me, but he kept going. Finally, after a few minutes, I stopped.
I thank god every day that he didn’t ejaculate inside me and increased the risk of passing on HIV.
Then we showered together. I didn’t tell him what had happened and he left.
I was in shock, totally numb.
Finally I went back to meet the other people on my journey in a daze, none of whom I knew very well.
I felt stupid and dirty for what had happened. I confided in a friend I’d met earlier on the trip about it, David, and he assured me it wasn’t my fault.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt for letting this man into my accommodation by mutual consent, even though what happened next was not by mutual consent. That he raped me.
I took screenshots of his profile after the incident, but I couldn’t bring myself to report it to the police – or Grindr. I still blamed myself.
Anyway, I couldn’t see how anyone reporting to Grindr would do much when it’s so easy to start a new account.
When I got back to London, I went to a sexual health clinic and was given a course of PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) to protect myself from contracting HIV.
PEP is a treatment that can stop an HIV infection after the virus has entered a person’s body. It should be taken within 72 hours of exposure. Every pill I took for the next 28 days was a painful reminder of what had happened on my trip to New York.
After I got off PEP, I threw myself back into hookups, the occasional cruise club, and hanging out with guys on nights out. After a few months I was back to my old self.
I still use Grindr, but I try to take less risks by usually meeting a guy for a drink before going on a date.
The people who commit these crimes must be held accountable and know that they will face the full force of the law if they break it
Frankly, for the past three years, I’ve been burying the trauma – I haven’t told some of my closest friends.
But when I read about Jamie Wallis MP’s story in March, I felt compelled to share my own experience.
In a social media post, Conservative politician Jamie Wallis came out as trans and described a horrific warrant in which he was raped by a man he met online and then blackmailed.
I couldn’t imagine what it felt like to be born in the wrong body, but I knew all about voluntarily allowing someone into your personal space and then being raped by them.
The next day I shared my experience on Twitter, but I felt there was more to discuss than a social media discussion.
First, the fact that a prominent politician has experienced the same type of violence is an indication that it is happening to other people as well.
How many people we will never know. Many victims do not feel comfortable with the police.
I often think about going to the police if I had the chance again. I’ve even considered doing it now, three years later, but I think my information and evidence at this stage is just too weak.
So how are we going to tackle this problem? There has been a lot of talk about app-based crimes blaming technology in the first place.
While I think Grindr has a role to play, I think the focus should remain on the culprits. The people who commit these crimes must be held accountable and know that they will face the full force of the law if they break it.
Education and publicity campaigns are a good start.
I also don’t think it’s necessarily just about educating young people, so the whole nation could use a lesson in assent.
Grindr could, I think, make itself much more secure by introducing ID verification. At the moment you can sign up with just an email address and I think that gives perpetrators the feeling that they are not being held accountable for their actions.
Just as Facebook has a responsibility to remove hate speech from its platform, I think Grindr also has a responsibility to fight sexual assault.
Sharing my experience about what happened to me in New York has opened old wounds, but talking about it and helping others is the first step on my road to recovery.
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