I’m afraid the word ‘lesbian’ is in danger of becoming invisible

I absolutely, unapologetically love the word “lesbian.”

At a time when the US is trying to navigate a “Don’t Say Gay” law, I want to add a “Do Say Lesbian” point to the conversation. In fact, I want to shout it from the rooftops: ‘LESBIAN. LESBIAN. LESBIAN!’

But I didn’t always feel so sure about that. And I’m not alone in this – many of my Sapphic sisters struggle with the word.

My wife and I have been together for many years. I am the proud Head of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at a global creative agency, and I volunteer at a charity (Diversity Role Models) where I talk to students and staff to help schools become more LGBTQ+ inclusive.

Despite all this, like most gay people, I think I’ve been on a journey of self-acceptance that involves “being different” in a society with rigid expectations from most of us. Language, and therefore labels, are crucial to how we think about ourselves and how we want others to see us.

As a young person I used the word ‘gay’ by default. I think it felt a bit more common in society and in the general media. Maybe that’s why it was just a little more acceptable—a little less stinging on the ear than “lesbian.”

There is a nice movement going on with Generation Z.

Many of them proudly share their pronouns and eschew the rigidity of labels. Increasing numbers tend to be gender-fluid and sexually liberal.

They’ve also been instrumental in reclaiming the previously hate-filled term “queer,” instead using it to both celebrate a great community and recognize that people can have ever-changing preferences rather than one fixed one. identity.

However, for every positive point we can get from the lack of a need for labels, I also hope we don’t lose the joy and pride that you can have from a label.

Why don’t more women who love women say the word lesbian out loud? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since Lesbian Visibility Week earlier this year.

I could be joking because we lesbians are only seen one week a year, but I also honestly wonder: is the word “lesbian” in danger of becoming invisible?

It’s an issue close to home for me as I want my young children to hear the word first in a positive context, but for many it’s a controversial word because of its toxic connotation through abuse as a pejorative slur.

My wife and I are of the same generation and have had quite a similar cultural upbringing, but she has little love for the word. Growing up, it was carelessly used by some of her peers as an insult, something associated with freakiness, ugliness, total social embarrassment.

And she’s not the only one who hesitates. New research has found that British lesbians are delaying coming out because of harmful stereotypes associated with it.

Last month, LGBT+ charity Just Like Us found that 68% of those surveyed feared they would be perceived as “masculine-hating,” “oversexualized,” or “anti-trans.” Others feared they would be seen as “taboo” or “unappealing,” and many said the word lesbian had been used against them as an insult.

I find this absolutely tragic when most people are probably under the assumption that society in general is moving towards more inclusion and connectedness.

In wider society, when someone refers to “the L word,” they’re probably using a cute acronym for the word “love.” But when queer women hear the same phrase, they’re almost certainly referring to the greatest TV series to ever represent lesbians on screen.

And yet, in that chosen title, there’s an implication of not being able to say the word lesbian out loud for sure, even for this audience. Do we have to say the word silently behind a shielding hand to prevent it from hitting the ears of the general public?!

Even on TikTok, there is currently a humorous, yet enlightening trend for lesbian couples to share their own code words for other lesbians when they see one on the street. My wife and I do this too. (Our word for this is “gulls” — don’t ask.)

Growing up, the word “queer” was a painfully ugly insult. But “queer” has reclaimed so positively and proactively that I like to use the word now. It took me a while.

Now I’m celebrating the word “queer” – and I wish more people would do the same with the word lesbian.

There are valid reasons why people feel negative about labels in general, as they feel rigid, inflexible and unnecessary to some. But I would also advocate for them in many ways.

Labels can provide a satisfying sense of identity. They can be a positive affirmation of one’s sense of self and a shortcut to finding community. To me, homogenizing the gay community as a singular is not necessarily a positive thing.

I feel really good to say that I am a lesbian – I am proud of who I am, and I recognize that navigating life with a perspective of ‘being different’ is actually a superpower that is precious and valuable to me.

I want to reclaim the word lesbian, and I think more people should also, if nothing else, counter the poisonous voices of TERFs — some of whom obscurely equate transphobia with lesbianism.

I’m concerned that if certain campaign groups can remove the letter ‘T’ from ‘LGBT’, it won’t be long before some also come for the ‘L’ and erase it. The L and T have been together for a long time – after all, we’ve been allies for decades.

And while there may be a dichotomy between my wife and I when it comes to describing our sexuality out loud, we agree that the word has power and we hope it hits the young ears of our children positively.

Lisa Luxx wrote a powerful poem simply called Lesbian. She adds a line that really stuck with me: “Lesbian is a word that gets stuck in your throat.”

Only by raising our voices do we drown out the sound of hatred – and make the word “lesbian” a celebration that is celebrated for more than a week a year.

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