A child who prefers one parent over the other is nothing out of the ordinary. In reality, most children have a favorite parent at some point… but what about parents who have a favorite child?
mothers and fathers like to claim that they cannot possibly choose one of their children over another.
But the truth may be a little more complicated.
According to a 2020 survey, 70% of parents admitted giving one child preferential treatment over another, so parental favoritism is more common than most would like to think.
However, why is this happening? And is it something to worry about?
“Research has consistently shown over time that favoritism occurs within families,” said child psychologist Dr. Michelle McDowell to Metro.co.uk. “Age is one of the reasons a child is preferred, but studies have shown that it can be for a number of reasons, such as the child resembling the parent they like, having a similar personality or even is seen as more. more attractive than other siblings – and that’s worrying!’
Natalie Costa, Child and Parent Coach and Founder of Power Thoughtssays there are other factors as well.
‘When a child is born, for example,’ she says. Studies have shown that the firstborn and the lastborn are more favored. The firstborn get more privileges and the lastborn get more attention and affection. Middle-aged children generally receive less support.’
Natalie also emphasizes that as children get older, they may not live up to their parents’ expectations, leading to a drop in the rankings.
“Maybe a parent wanted a certain path for their child to follow and they didn’t achieve those expectations, or maybe the parent really struggled to bond with the child at birth, with external stressors at play.” such as psychological problems or broken relationships. ,’ she notes.
It is not uncommon for children within a family to be treated differently at times. Sometimes one child may require more attention than another due to their age and stage of development, or their physical and emotional needs, but Michelle points out that this is not the same as favoritism.
Parental favoritism occurs when a parent treats one child more positively toward another, for example by giving them more privileges, more treats/toys etc. and set more favorable rules and boundaries for them,” she explains.
“Oftentimes favoritism is not intentional, but it can cause one child to feel that they are loved less than another, and to complicate matters, studies have shown that even if parents do not favor one child above the other, the feeling unfavorable can be just as harmful as the reality of being unfavorable.’
The impact of showing favoritism is not good. As you can imagine, having a favorite can have long-term negative effects on a child.
Michelle says, “Possible effects include low self-esteem, feelings of rejection, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.
The unfavorable child may feel a sense of hopelessness, the sense that whatever they do, they will never be rewarded with the same attention, love, and affection.
“This can affect future relationships, both romantic and social, and future jobs, as the child may feel that it cannot change the way people respond to them.”
Not only will favoritism affect the child’s self-esteem and self-perception, but it can also adversely affect the relationship they have with their siblings.
“Childhood memories of favoritism can lead to tension as they become adult siblings,” explains Michelle. “Studies show that siblings get along much better if they think they are treated equally or similarly by their parents.”
So how can parents avoid favoring one child over another and support the perception of their child as the least favorite?
“The first step,” suggests Michelle, “is recognizing children’s perceptions and feelings about favoritism. Parental awareness is key.
“Then take consistent actions to ensure equal treatment for all children so that they feel valued and loved.”
Natalie agrees that awareness is important. ‘Be kind to yourself’, she reminds us. “Being a parent is very difficult and you are as much an apprentice on this journey as your child.
“I often tell parents that our children are a mirror of what we have yet to learn and accept about ourselves, and it’s perfectly normal if you’ve felt for one child over another.
‘However, it is important that you are aware of that, of your behavior and how you react to your child.’
Natalie adds: ‘Be as consistent as you can and if you’re wrong that’s okay – be aware and change your actions. A question some parents find helpful is, “What can I learn from my child here? What is it that I should embrace and learn about myself?”
“This may not always be easy to do, but seeing these situations as something to grow and learn from is the strength.
“Parenting is an ongoing journey of growth and self-discovery, so be compassionate with yourself as you find your way.”
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