Welcome to How I do itthe series in which we give you a sneak peek into a stranger's sex life for seven days.
This week we hear from Autumn*, a 33-year-old writer and single mother living in Yorkshire.
After having a child in her early 20s, single parenthood meant she didn't have sex for five years – but now she says her sex life is 'thriving'.
'With a little baby and no help, to date was impossible, and there followed a torturous five-year drought during which I almost gave up on ever having a sex life again,” says Autumn.
After her dry spell ended, the mother of one began exploring her sexuality and came out as bisexual three years ago.
'I guess I always knew I was bisexual, but it took me almost thirty years to actually admit it. And even then, there are only a chosen few in my life who know my true feelings,” she adds.
She slept with a woman she knew from college, and it was a one night stand.
“I spent my childhood assuming that every girl fantasized about other women and that it didn't mean anything,” Autumn explains.
'We were magnetically drawn to each other. It was intoxicating, terrifying, and the most aroused I had ever been by the presence of another person.
“That night is still the only time I ever slept with a woman, and for years I was sure it was nothing more than alcohol and youthful experimentation.”
Now that her 10-year-old daughter is off to school, Autumn is venturing into various dating apps and has even started experimenting with polyamory.
'Dipping my toe into the world of dating apps allowed me to try out new versions of myself without having to leave the house. It has given me the opportunity to connect with people as a woman and not as a mother, and it has helped me figure out what I find attractive in a person.
'Because now I understand that whatever label you want to give me, I am ultimately attracted to people. Men, women, straight, bi, poly, ethical non-monogamy… for me it's about fire and connection, and I can't wait to discover where that will take me next.'
Without further ado, here's how fall went this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
It's far from an average day for me, as I spontaneously book a ticket for a speed dating event tonight.
I'm heading to a hotel room I've booked, something I've never done alone before, so parental guilt quickly comes into play, but I'm determined to make the most of the opportunity.
I spend an hour in the hotel room, enjoying the chance to wear nice underwear and get dressed for a change. The room has a huge ornate mirror next to the bed, so I take the opportunity to take some photos before heading to the bar.
When I arrive, it is clear that this is not going to be the evening I had hoped for. The venue barely sold any tickets and instead of an evening with endless possibilities, I get cornered for an hour by a man who is definitely not my type, finish my drink and leave.
Frustrated and looking for some satisfaction, I start texting my oldest friend (and the one who got away).
He's a reliable dirty sexter, and he hits every spot I need him…
Tuesday
I wake up at the hotel and treat myself to a slow breakfast, a simple pleasure that is a rarity in my daily parenting life.
My phone lights up with messages from a recent connection on a dating app. Swiping, repetitive conversations and fleeting moments that fade into nothing have become a familiar routine, but it's worth it for the moments when you encounter such people…
The chat is easy, flirty and fun. His profile states that he is polyamorous and we quickly talk about his partner, what they like and what they are looking for.
I've always considered myself a one-person-at-a-time woman and assumed ethical non-monogamy would be too much for me, but after just a few messages with him, I'm hooked.
He sends me a photo of them together and suddenly the idea of being a toy in their relationship feels exciting and irresistible. Like me, she is bisexual and they both prefer to have a connection with the person they are dating rather than a one night stand.
I get the wonderful feeling that I'm falling into all kinds of trouble.
Wednesday
I'm back home, and it's the usual brutal round of packing school bags, running school, sitting in front of a laptop for too many hours, preparing dinner, bathing, going to bed, repeat.
As much as I hate to admit it, I turn to dating apps in my duller moments. They are a doorway to a world outside the domestic bubble I live in, providing a much-needed rush of endorphins when I connect with the right person at the right time.
The biggest drawback to this plan is that I am a single parent living in the middle of the countryside. Spontaneity is almost impossible, and it's a regular barrier to making any progress with people I'd actually like to meet.
To combat today's boredom, I want something more reliable, someone I know will give me what I want without me having to leave my house. My ex and I have never been able to have a conversation without it ending in flirting and reminiscing about a hot weekend together.
We start chatting and within an hour we're having phone sex and it's as fiery as ever, even if this time it means standing in the kitchen to keep my daughter from waking up.
Thursday
I wake up after a night of dreaming about my ex and feel both frustrated and satisfied. When we were done last night, we talked about me staying with him soon while I was away for work.
My day is lost in thoughts of what it will feel like to turn our late night conversations into reality. There's something liberating about revisiting a relationship and unwinding all the things that were incredible between you, without feeling the ropes.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting a sex life – whether it's because I'm a “nice” girl, because I'm a single mother, or because I've had partners who weren't interested in being physical – there is There has been so much judgment made about what I desire.
As another routine parenting day rolls around, I think about how much of me has remained hidden because of it, from clandestine phone sex to sneaking out during school hours just to avoid having the fun taken out of every encounter by organizing childcare.
Friday
I meet the couple who wants to date me and honestly I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sit still, my concentration is long gone and I'm more nervous than I can ever remember being on a date.
Then I get a text from him that she can't come, but that she is happy for him to come alone, if I don't mind. I feel a wave of relief now that I'm on more solid ground with the dynamics of dating a man, but I can't quite shake the nerves.
I get through the day and see my daughter off for a weekend with her dad, and finally have time to focus on getting ready.
He is waiting for me outside the bar when I arrive and leans in to hug me. I expected it to feel different because of the three-way relationship at play, but I immediately feel comfortable with him.
We talk and laugh, and slowly entangle our legs under the table. And then he kisses me, and the fireworks start. It's easy to forget how intoxicating this feeling is.
We are the last ones in the bar and send updates to his partner between intense kisses and wandering hands. He takes me to my car and two hours later we are still there, desperately trying not to cross the line they agreed on.
Saturday
I couldn't sleep last night. I haven't felt this way after a date in so long. It's addictive, that sensation of not knowing what the other person is going to do, how he kisses, how he wants to be touched.
My daydreaming is interrupted by a message from him, confirming plans to meet his partner tomorrow, and the nerves hit like a sledgehammer again.
I'm so attracted to them both, and the playful flirting that goes on all day in our group chat adds fuel to the fire, but I can't shake the worry that I'm getting too attached.
I tend to feel and experience everything so intensely that I lose myself. Only this time I have another relationship on my mind, and I don't know how to go down this path. It's new territory and it scares me.
I spend the evening trying to relax and figuring out how to dress for a date with a man and a woman.
Sunday
I'm meeting the couple in town.
As I walk through the crowd towards them, I feel my stomach turn as he smiles at me. She hugs me and we walk through the busy streets looking for coffee, chatting as easily as if we've known each other for years.
I thought I would get jealous if I saw him with another woman, but I find myself completely charmed by the way they are together. Tender and playful, they have that sense of floating together that some couples can happily enjoy.
As we sit in a busy cafe, his leg brushing mine back under the table, I'm surprised to find that I don't feel like a third wheel. In fact, it's a dizzying satisfaction to know that everyone around us is oblivious to what could be happening here.
I'm distracted by the smell of his aftershave and the way he touches my back as he passes, but I'm also under her spell. She's beautiful, funny and feisty – a truly dangerous combination.
A few hours later we say goodbye and I spend another sleepless night letting my hands wander as I imagine what they have in store for me.
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