How do you follow the immaculate, spectacular splendor of the Queen’s state funeral?
The answer is: not you. That is not possible.
King Charles has wisely decided that his own coronation will be a quiet, low-carbon affair. Unlike the glorious, historic farewell to his beloved mother, who leaned heavily on military and religious tradition, it will reflect the rich diversity and very real concerns of modern Britain.
The King is aware of the cost of living his people will face this winter, so there will be none of the expensive pageantry we see in London on Monday. He wants the coronation to be a much more modest event.
World leaders are being told they are welcome, but not required to come, to reduce the number of private jets bound for London. Charles is determined to keep the ceremony’s carbon footprint to a minimum. He doesn’t want to make it an international jamboree.
A source at Buckingham Palace said: “The message could be sent that: ‘We’ve all seen you recently, so don’t feel obligated to bother coming all the way back here so soon.’
As a sign of respect, all public transport is halted due to the latest 48-hour strike by ASLEF and the RMT
The same source added: “The king is quite a frugal person by nature and I would expect that he would want the coronation to focus more on the spiritual elements than on the more ostentatious parts.”
A top team of courtiers and officials are already secretly working hard to plan for the Big Day. But some early details have been leaked exclusively to this column.
Foreign dignitaries willing to attend are invited to gather on Calais beach, where they will be taken to Britain in a fleet of eco-friendly dinghies operated by the Albanian mafia. From Dover they will have to make their own way to London on foot or by bicycle. That should keep the numbers low.
The places at the ceremony itself are limited. This is because Charles, in a clear break with tradition, has decided that the coronation will not be held at Westminster Abbey, but at London’s Central Mosque, in Regent’s Park, to mark his intention to honor the defender of all religions. are and none.
The day kicks off with the announcement of a royal amnesty for all illegal immigrants currently living in the UK. There will also be a special Coronation Honors List, including an eventual knighthood for Sir David Beckham, in recognition of his services to the queues.
Foreign dignitaries willing to attend are invited to gather on Calais beach, where they will be taken to Britain in a fleet of eco-friendly dinghies operated by the Albanian mafia
The coronation will be broadcast live on all television networks, including the Shopping Channel, where coverage will be provided by recent recruits Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby, who are rebuilding their careers after being chased from ITV in disgrace by a Twitter mob after their royal funeral crime pass.
As a sign of respect, all public transport has been shut down due to the latest 48-hour strike by ASLEF and the RMT.
To prevent benefactors from driving to the ceremony, London’s congestion charge for that day will be increased to £5,000, with failure to pay is punishable by up to five years in prison. The only exception is for London Mayor Genghis Khan, who will travel to the ceremony in his £300,000 chauffeur-driven, armored Range Rover, strictly for security reasons, you see.
Prime Minister Liz Truss, if she survives until next summer, will have to pedal a Boris Bike to the mosque along with her cabinet, MPs, members of the House of Lords and other dignitaries, including minor members of the royal family.
In keeping with his commitment to Net Zero, Charles will eschew the official state of Rolls-Royce and have opted for a more sustainable mode of transportation.
The King and Queen Consort travel from Buckingham Place to Regent’s Park in the recently commissioned Royal Pink Yacht, hauled by members of Extinction Rebellion and joined by Scotland Yard’s ceremonial Skateboard Squad.
The King and Queen Consort board the Royal Pink Yacht and travel by road to the official Pizza Express reception in Woking
They will pause at Oxford Circus to pick up Dame Emma Thompson and hold a minute of silence for all those who are dying as a result of the climate genocide. Crowds are expected to queue up to 15 minutes in Regent’s Park to see the royal couple. Security will be provided by the paramilitary wing of Black Lives Matter.
Upon arrival at the Central Mosque, the King is traditionally greeted by a Sky News reporter who screeches, “When are you going to resign, sir?”
The prayers are led by the Ayatollah of Canterbury. Greta Thunberg, newly appointed UN Rapporteur on Climate Destruction, will lecture: It’s the end of the world as we know it, from REM’s book
The formal coronation ceremony will be performed by the king’s influential spiritual advisor, Lord Swampy of Bypass, who will place a crown of thorns on His Majesty’s head to signify the suffering caused by global warming.
There will be no traditional marching band. Instead, the service will feature some of the King’s favorite music, including a historic recording of The Ying Tong Song performed by the late Welsh baritone Sir Neddie Seagoon.
After the short ceremony, the congregation leaves the mosque in reverse order to the chorus of I’m Walking Backwards For Christmas, composed by Sir Spike Milligan.
King Charles has wisely decided that his own coronation will be a quiet, low-carbon affair
Boarding the Royal Pink Yacht, the King and Queen Consort travel by road to the official Pizza Express reception in Woking, along the world-famous Park Lane cycle track, where they are booed by hundreds of black cabbies all day long in the standing in line.
Members of the royal family follow on CO2-neutral electric scooters. Crowds expected to walk in the dozens will line the A3 to throw flowers and paper darts made from their recent utility bills.
After the reception, Charles plans to tour his kingdom, including previously neglected areas such as Leicester, where he will deliver a speech in all 70 languages spoken in that historic city.
He will be treated to a reenactment of the Battle of Bosworth Field – sorry, Kashmir – by masked members of the local Muslim and Hindu militias.
In Brighton, he will pay his respects to the city’s extensive LGBTQWERTY+ community before watching a recreation of the famous battle on the beach from the groundbreaking British film Quadrophenia.
The mods and rockers’ parts are taken by militant trans activists and TERFS, what we used to call women. Before he leaves, Charles will ride a token electric scooter from Beachy Head.
As Coronation Day draws to a close, the Queen Consort returns to London’s Hyde Park for a spectacular display of fireworks.
Using the glowing embers of her cigarette, she will light effigies of Lady Di and Prince Andrew, who are said to have lobbied the Queen in a desperate attempt to stop Charles from ascending the throne.
God protect the king!