Shotgun Wedding describes itself twice. As written, it’s the story of Jennifer Lopezthe big day when it was hijacked on a paradise island by armed pirates – see what they did there. But the production was also a search for a replacement groom, back then a scandal-ridden Armie Hammer stopped the shoot just before it started, leaving J.Lo at the altar in despair.
Josh Duhamel rode in, all slick charm, and it’s not his fault that the movie’s romantic side is essentially a non-starter. We only get to know this couple amid the unnerving stress over the seating arrangement, as they are overwhelmed by First World problems in a Third World country (it’s set in the Philippines, albeit shot in the Dominican Republic) . Alas, I don’t care when these two take a moment, spoil a fight and blow things off, while the assembled guests, about to be ambushed, wait on the beach.
With bride and groom evading captivity in the much more scintillating middle act, it turns out these two are better suited to snapping goons’ necks and throwing grenades off ziplines: these Commando-esque hijinks might not elicit more affection for a self-contained involved western couple with money to burn, but they are considerably more fun to watch. J.Lo tearing off the bottom half of her hated dress and stealing a dead henchman’s boots is our kind of J.Lo: she really should have had a Tomb-Raider-style franchise built around her years ago.
As crass and mechanical as the tone may be, there’s something to be said for any movie that hands a machine gun Jennifer Coolidge, like fragrant mother-in-law who takes every opportunity to interfere. She gets half a dozen moments of unparalleled business: the part where she screams madly before anyone else notices the outlaws is as perfectly memeable as her best bits from The White Lotus.
The supporting cast fights for the leftovers differently. Sonia Braga and Cheech Marin go head-to-head as J.Lo’s divorcées – Braga’s fierce, but couldn’t Marin have been funny too? When old flame Lenny Kravitz flies in from Bali by helicopter, without having bothered to react, it’s such an extraordinary Lenny Kravitz thing to do that the stunt casting transcends any need to act.
There’s a ceiling to any rom-com with this tough, cynical look: when the entire cast attempts a heartfelt sing-along, it’s so out of place that you cringe rather than swoon. But the movie is mutinously bored with weddings, which is a start, and has a snappy aerial climax that’s much better than the average first dance. In a very sweet genre, it is almost invigoratingly sour.
15 cert, 101 min. Now on Amazon Prime Video