I become a completely different person.
Two weeks a month I feel severely depressed, sometimes on the verge of becoming suicidal.
I question everything, including why I’m here. I feel like a failure and like my life is a mess. I’m in a dark hole and I want to get out.
I have PMDD – premenstrual dysphoric disorder, a very severe form of PMS (premenstrual syndrome). It causes a plethora of emotional and physical changes two weeks before a period begins.
To me, these two weeks feel endless.
It is a difficult time, where I hate my life and all the blessings in it. I go from a glass half full to a depressed, insecure, anxious person in a matter of moments. I suffer from hot sweat while having insomnia and wake up every morning streams of tears.
I look at my period app and the days that stretch before me, and know there’s just no running away from this nightmare.
I was never one to experience depression in my early years or adult years, and I found the onset of these feelings terrifying.
It started happening about three years ago and I was baffled as to why I was going through such extreme mood swings every month.
I could never shake myself off of it. I would wonder if something had happened to me? No. Was there a past trauma that I was holding on to that was now trying to get out? No.
After months of torment, I talked to my mom and older sister about how I’d been feeling and they immediately looked at me and said, “It’s PMDD, we both have it.” They then told me that my grandmother had it too.
In many ways I wish the conversation had happened sooner so I could be prepared, but I recognize there may not have been a language for it when my mom started it. She’s had it since she was a teenager and PMDD wasn’t recognized as an official diagnosis until 2013.
I still didn’t really know what PMDD was, but knowing there was an answer gave me a sense of hope, so I decided to do some research.
I found out that PMDD occurs during the luteal phase (between ovulation and the start of menstruation) of the menstrual cycle. It takes about two weeks on average, but this varies per person.
PMDD is caused by the brain reacting negatively to the rise and fall of estrogen and progesterone during the cycle. It is a mood disorder – not a hormonal imbalance – and therefore will not show up on a blood test.
My luteal phase feels like it lasts forever. During this time, most mornings I wake up drenched in sweat and have an insatiable appetite for something oily or unhealthy.
I feel lazy, I don’t want to excercise or socialize, I hate my life, and this thick cloud over my head follows me wherever I go. Basically, I just can’t stand up for myself.
There have been many occasions where my partner walked in on me cry in the dark on the floor because I can’t handle another day and he will look very confused because yesterday I smiled about how life finally aligned.
Then, after a few agonizing weeks of feeling this way, my period kicks in and I’m all back to my sparkling self.
The feelings change so quickly, like Jekyll and Hyde. Most people can’t stand it when their periods appear, but I usually feel relieved when I see mine because it means I can get back to normal.
I did a poll on my Instagram discussing the symptoms and asking if any of my followers had suffered from PMDD. I got messages upon messages from people saying, “This is exactly what’s happening to me!”
I was shocked. If so many of us suffer from this, why is there so little research and medication available to us?
I had gone to the doctor but felt rejected because they had told me it might be good to cut out dairy and carbohydrate foods – but I had tried everything and even that didn’t work.
They had said it was PMS, but it’s worse than that; I know my body.
Emily Holloway, therapist and counselor at the PMDD Collective – a welfare service that provides emotional support to those affected by the disease – told me that 5-8% of menstrual cycles suffer from PMDD, and more than 70% of them will have suicidal thoughts .
She said: “These can range from fleeting thoughts about not wanting to exist to requiring medical intervention to stay safe.
And 70% translates to a whopping 630,000 people in the UK feeling suicidal every month. About 34% of people with PMDD will attempt suicide.’
PMDD is often confused with PMS, which affects 90% of menstruating people and has similar but less severe symptoms.
But they are different, with PMDD actually being considered a disabling extension of PMS.
I believe PMS is more recognized than PMDD because it is more common, and often I don’t think people understand the seriousness of PMDD.
I used to have PMS from when my period started when I was 11, but it was always fleeting and in some cycles it barely bothered me – I could be excited like those women in the Always ads, showing that they may bleed and to twerk. Or I could even go camping and still smile despite my period.
But over the past three to four years, PMDD has completely disrupted my life.
Many people who struggle with PMDD are rejected by doctors and are forced to take treatment into their own hands. How I tested for PMDD was through The International Association For Premenstrual Disorders, who have a self-screening on their website.
I now take my own natural supplements that help relieve it. These help me relax and stay calm when I feel like my mind is heavy.
It’s so important for doctors to understand that it’s more than just “mood swings” or “time of the month.”
Understanding diseases like PMDD is also about suicide prevention.
Women’s pain has historically never been taken seriously, and neither has our mental health – especially in the context of menstruation.
But it’s time we were listened to. PMDD feels like you only have two normal weeks in a month. Since women today menstruate an estimated 450 times in their lifetime, PMDD is a long-term diagnosis.
It is so important to make as much noise as possible to teach everyone how to recognize PMDD and how to track their cycles.
PMDD awareness literally saves lives.
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